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It’s not just a mental state but a physical one these days. Some days are good and some, like today, are painful. Hope and despair alternate and I get frustrated. I fight back with physio exercises and swimming but the pain is like liquid fire when it is on. I have strength in my legs but no power. And, I’m refusing to admit it, much less accept it. Instead, I binged on Netflix, didn’t really care much about food or sleep and worked like a maniac on a project. Old, self destructive patterns. I guess those things never really go away. Scratch the surface hard enough and they rear their ugly head. This morning, I decided to let my body rest completely and heal. Swim when I am not tired. Sleep more. Eat better. Let go. Yoga is a challenge as well and I’m considering dropping one class for a bit. Stick to just letting the body get back to normal first. How in the world did it get to this state, from no real warning to boom! 

Asking for help is difficult or me but often, I get a hand just when it gets a tad bit more than usual. Today, it came in the form of Dr.G, who stopped by in the evening. It was good to have some adult company for a change. Most days, it’s just my little girl and I and while we do fun stuff together, I’m still mom, so conversations can take the form of negotiations. Homework, dinner, chores etc. 😊

Dr. G was quite insistent that I get a scan but I’m loathe to do so. I’ve been mostly pain free in the last few years and that’s all that mattered, until now. The one from 4 years ago had problems and I don’t want to know if they’ve gotten worse. She’s so passionate about medicine and it’s a delight to hear her speak about it. A multifaceted young woman who wears many hats and wears them well. Thanks for stopping by, G. You turned a difficult day into a peaceful one.  

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